peacefulfamilies

We Have a New Site

Peacefulfamilies — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 19:40:41 +0000

We Have Launched!

The blog page has become a real web site.

You can look there for new postings since July!

This is the last move as far as I can predict : )

Come visit us!

OUR NEW SITE:

http://www.peacefulfamilies-act.org

-Kelly

Changes are Coming Soon

Peacefulfamilies — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 02:15:59 +0000

Just a brief post to let everyone know that we are going to launch a new website for this blog. Mike Valler has joined with Peacefulfamilies to create a new website for the work we have already done and to extend the content. Mike is involved in many different roles to reduce violence. He is also a member of the ACT Raising Safe Kids network.

The new site will be a permanent home. He has exciting ideas and I can hardly wait to share with you the work he has done. Look for the announcement and link!

Kelly M Champion PhD

Teen Dating Violence

Peacefulfamilies — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 12:44:48 +0000

Recently there was a brutal murder of a promising adolescent girl alleged to have been committed by her talented and promising former dating partner. The event sent a chill down many a spine. Two families that have had close ties have been devastated. The fact of interpersonal violence is a difficult thing to wrap our heads around. This is a good thing. I don’t think that we’d be better off if we suspected every adolescent to be at risk for perpetrating serious violence against his or her partner — nor, does the data support holding that belief. Murder is rare and almost impossible to predict because the most rational assumption is that it will not happen. That does not mean that we are helpless to take steps to reduce the chances even further.

The bottom line is that severe aggression is very rare. On average, serious episodes of violence occur around 13 – 14% of time in adolescent dating relationships. These include slapping, shoving, hitting, or being forced into sex according to a Center for Disease Control study (2000). Insults, intimidation, and threats were more common with about 35% of teens reporting this experience. The perpetrators of this aggression are both boys and girls. Really both sexes. Dating violence tends to show up around age 13, although many children report being involved with dating like behavior at age 11.

Prevention of violence or anything for that matter starts with identifying the risk factors. There are many factors and some of these are ones parents and care givers have more influence on than others. The ACT-Raising Safe Kids program takes a stand on one of the most important risks: child maltreatment. Children, who are the victims of abuse, are much more likely to be involved in violent relationships when they grow up because of disruptions in their social and emotional development. Traumatic stress symptoms and problems with empathy both play some role in increased risk for these kids as teenagers (published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology in 2004 by Wolfe, Wekekle, Scott, Straatman, & Grasley).

Does that mean that children from families without violence are safe? Nope. We all have a role because much of our social learning experiences are with peers. Research shown that have high conflict relationships with friends and acquaintances and hostile behaviors increases risk as does involvement with a peers who are aggressive and delinquent. Moreover, holding attitudes that aggression is acceptable in conflictual situations plays an important role in increasing the likelihood that a teen will be in more than one violent dating relationship. See Williams, Connolly, Pepler, Craig, & Laporte in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology (2008).

What does this mean to us in our homes with our children? To me it means that every conflict that you have with anyone in your home or your community is an opportunity for teaching. We are modeling for our children every day how to show anger and how to manage it. We have a chance to show them how to see conflict from both sides and generate solutions that are responsive and respectful. We can help them to listen to each other by listening to them. There are some earlier posting on anger and conflict. It is really important to realize that lots of research is showing that children learn how to manage conflict at home with their siblings and their parents.

What can we do when our kids are teens and dating? We can listen to them. We can not offer advice but listen to their thinking. Let them describe what they are feeling without judgement. It is might increase the chances that they will let you know that they are not feeling safe. I say increase the chances because we also know that people often do not tell anyone when they have been hurt by someone else. Kids don’t report bullying and victims don’t report violence. They are afraid that no one can help or someone will make the situation worse or they are sure they can handle the situation. There are ways in which those attitudes make sense.

One last word, risk factors don’t explain everything. Murder is rare and usually the result of a whole bunch of unique factors that no one person could or should have anticipated. When a child dies, it is a tragic event.

Kelly M Champion

Science v. Video Games Haven’t Hurt Me: Real Advice for Choosing Video Games for Learning

Peacefulfamilies — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 00:38:35 +0000

There was an editorial published by a psychiatrist in the Boston Globe today about his experience with video games. He concurred with the Supreme Court. He goes on to talk about the ways in which violent video games have inspired some of his patients to make connection via on-line and gaming friends that they did not have access to in the bricks and mortar world. He believes that we need to incorporate more video games into education not eliminate access.

Anecdotal evidence, evidence that is based on one or two or even a dozen individual stories, is very weak science. Anecdotal evidence is typically only accepted as a sound scientific argument when we do not have larger studies that account for the many many other factors influencing the outcome. Here is an example of anecdotal evidence that many of us can understand as weak: My grandparents both lived to nearly 80 even though both were regular smokers. Would that compel you to believe that cigarettes do not change the risk for lung cancer and emphysema? I hope not.

There is a ton of research on violent video games and children. The compelling research is based on sound developmental and cognitive psychology. It recognizes the complex nature of risk for violent behavior and the fact that excessive violent behavior is, thankfully, rare. Good science attempts to recognize inherent limitations and to support individuals in making informed judgements. Eliminating violent video games absolutely reduces the risk that a child or teen will engage in violent behavior, violent fantasies, and pro-violent attitudes. Will it eliminate the risk? No. Will it cause violent behavior in every case? No. Exposure to violence increases the risk. More time devoted to it = more risk and less negative emotional reactions to it. Things we are exposed to are more attractive than if we had never been exposed to them. There are some things that we are not meant to feel okay with or attracted to because they are morally wrong and/or not adaptive such as suicide and homicide.

Dr. Craig A. Anderson has devoted his career to studying video games and kids. His recommendations to parents include a great deal of information on what to buy and how to choose games. He fits in very well with the ACT_Raising Safe Kids Program because his advice is respectful of parents as experts on their children. He has clear recommendations and has made his research and other accessible. http://www.psychology.iastate.edu/~caa/

It is worth your time to be familiar with some of the science. You will be met with challenges. Today, you may have control over the access that your child has to video games but that is not the end. You need to be able to make your thinking clear to your neighbors and to your family. You will need to be able to be clear with your child and to help your child make choices as she gets older and has gets access to these games outside your home.

Teach for Life!

Kelly

US Supreme Court Majority Opinion: Kids Not Harmed by Violent Video Games

Peacefulfamilies — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 22:41:32 +0000

This week the US Supreme Court ruled that while children can be barred by State law from access to sexual images without violating their rights, they cannot be legally barred from access to violent video games.

For the record, Justice Antonin Scalia believes that States have the right to protect from harm but that the California law is a “free floating restriction of exposure to ideas.” Scalia equated the video games to the exposure to violence found in fables and fairy tales.

Justice Clarence Thomas dissented and said this is a wrongful interpretation of the founding fathers. There was no right granted to children for access to all speech. You can read about this at the Huffington Post site — where I got this information. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/27/supreme-court-violent-video-games_n_884991.html.

I hope that the law makers find a way to craft the law so that it appeases some of the Court’s concerns. There is an overwhelming amount of evidence that violent video games are harmful to children and adolescents — especially without parental guidance. There is anecdotal evidence that we can all be harmed. Violent video games are used by the military to reduce soldier’s aversion to hurting others. Parent’s were permitted in all cases to purchase these games for their children and teens. Now the kids can decide for themselves.

When you teach your children how to think about exposure to violence, remember that you are teaching them to make choices. They may find themselves in a situation that requires them to make a choice way to early.

I am sorry that we have been burdened by this.

Kelly

Rules for Rules: Do I Have to? Making Choices Clear

Peacefulfamilies — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 17:12:31 +0000

What sort of adult are you raising? What are your goals as a parent? Almost every person I have ever asked this question of has a similar answer: for her to be happy, to find a place for herself in world. For him to be able to take care of himself and feel good about himself and be safe. Yes,sometimes, parents say “to do what I tell her to do.” Still, if ask about a parent’s goals as a parent and the answer is more abstract and long-term. One of the most important questions we face everyday as parents is how to help my child learn to make choices about behavior that are good for him or her.

We can start with ourselves. Everyday we decide what we are going to do. True, lots of those decisions are made without a lot of explicit thought. We take short cuts all the time. We practice habits, we grab for the short-term reward, we escape our responsibilities, we go to the most effective behaviors from our past experience. It turns out that kids are not any different.

We have a chance as parents, who are in control of a lot of resources, to set the world up in a way that gives children a chance to practice making choices and to build up their experience in making the world work for themselves. Hopefully, we can teach them through experience how much power they have to make things better for themselves.

You have things that are so valuable to your child. You have time, you have a little money, you have a car, TV and other media, stickers, pasta for art projects, soap bubbles, sidewalk chalk, toys, new sports equipment, books (used are fine), libraries — one family offered time to stay later in jammies and play with the couch cushions. You can use these wonderful things to motivate your children.

Most of the time, parents who try this for the first time — forget it, people who try this for the first time — give up. “It doesn’t work!” I am sorry for being flip but it will not work if you do not do it over and over and over and over. If your child chooses not to take the reward then, that was the choice you offered. Live with it.

There are some guaranteed ways to fail besides giving up. Do not set up any expectations in your child that they have to give to get until they are 10 years old. It is a little late and will make it ten times harder. Use punishments randomly because you are frustrated i.e., “That’s it, you are off TV for a week.!” Escalate punishments until you get your way. Give more commands than you have time, energy, or resources to reward or punish. If you haven’t got a consequence then you are merely asking. It is not a have to.

Ways of making it easier. Clearly communicate with your child. Tell them first why you are giving a direction and then, tell them what you want them to do and what you will do for them when they do it. Look for natural consequences but know your child. My kids’ step-dad once told them that they could go to the festival downtown when they had their shoes on but we would not go until the shoes were on. My introverted kids said, “OK, we can stay home.” Oops, never did that again. Much more likely that they would have gotten ready, if he had said he’d give a nickel to whoever had her shoes on in two minutes.

This can look easy and be easy but it can also be really hard. There are things that are really important to us and not to our kids. We have to really get inside their heads and see the world through their eyes. We have to make a promise to ourselves not to give up. We have to be ready to tolerate, respect, and validate our child’s thoughts and feelings.

Kelly Champion, PhD

Parents, Children, and Respect: Reducing the Risk of Child Aggression

Peacefulfamilies — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 12:12:59 +0000

I hear it often: “This child is just not like my other children. She’s different.” OR, “He doesn’t seem to stop doing things that cause trouble, I don’t get it.” Parents are frustrated and worried by children who seem out of control, unpredictable, or just unmanageable. How we react when we are frustrated and scared can make things even worse.

Psychology aims to explain behavior in order to change it. We can look to research to understand what is happening and then devise treatments that target important processes. The Raising Safe Kids Program is consistent with research on aggressive behaviors in families.

A recent study was published about the differences among kids and parents that predicts more aggressive, disruptive, and defiant behavior in children. Turns out — those parents in my office are right! Different children have different reactions to the same parenting behavior. It also turns out that parents have a lot of power to change kids and override these individual differences.

A team of researchers (Stephen Erath, Mona El-Sheikh, Benjamin Hinnant, & E. Mark Cummings) published a paper (Skin Conductance Level Reacitivity Moderates the Association between Harsh Parenting and Growth in Child Externalizing Behavior) in Developmental Psychology this year on child fearlessness and harsh parenting that looked at how these characteristics effected child behavior problems over time. Skin conductance — sweaty palms — is an accepted measure of fear reactivity. People with lower levels of reactivity are generally more fearless than people with higher reactivity. It is partially determined by genetics.

Kids with lower fearfulness are more likely to have problematic behavior. Kids with higher fearfulness are less likely to display defiant and aggressive behavior. Here is the kicker: over time if parents used verbally and physically harsh, coercive, angry, aggressive parenting techniques, boys were more likely to show more defiant and problematic behavior over time regardless of the child’s fearfulness. Sorry folks but his includes yelling and spanking and over-reactions. Boys and girls whose parents avoided harsh discipline techniques had a lower risk of problematic behavior throughout childhood.

The writers suggest that boys who react with stronger fear to start might be at lower risk for behavior problems BUT they also have more sensitivity to parental reactions. While this keeps the boys out of trouble initially, it might also lead to more frustration in the face of coercive parenting. Kids are VERY sensitive to being treating unfairly. This frustration over and over might shape the boys to develop a more callous response. The boys might get used to the harsh parental behaviors tune them out., and not care.

Something to keep in mind: parents feel frustrated and angry by children’s defiance — it is NORMAL. Parents, however, need to find effective ways to manage their anger. I have written elsewhere about anger and managing anger. Parents need to find a path to respectful discipline that shows kids that they have choices in the world, that respect for everyone it the way to go. Most of us need support to do that.

Show respect, teach respect: teach for life! ACT_Raising Safe Kids.

Kelly M. Champion, PhD.

Kids and Guns: Florida State Law Makers Tell Pediatricians How to Practice

Peacefulfamilies — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 02:24:07 +0000

I don’t know about you but my Primary Care Physician asks me questions that I NEVER want anyone else to ask. If someone else did ask, I’d likely not answer them. I do not, moreover, recall a time that I thought he was asking for any other reason than to do his job. If he were to ask me a suspicious question, I would have no problem asking him to clarify. We have a pretty good doctor-patient relationship. He is responsible for taking care of my health and I trust that he will answer my questions honestly. I think that it is important he be allowed to practice freely.

Did you see the news last week about a law that prevents doctors from asking about gun ownership in a child’s home? The Boston Globe reported on this. The thing is that when kids have access to guns, kids are more likely to be injured or to injure someone. Check this information about kids and guns from my alma matter.

It seems to me that pediatricians are probably the one of the few people who will have an opportunity to talk to families about guns and child safety. The conversations need to had. We aren’t always so good at thinking about what can go wrong. When someone responds to an admonishment that something is not safe with “no one will get hurt.” I have the same come back every time, “that is why it is called an accident.”

The data is overwhelming: when guns are around more people die from an accident, a suicide, or a homicide. The gun doesn’t care who has it or uses it or why. How can someone assess a child’s safety in the home without asking about guns? How does a doctor reiterate the importance of keeping guns locked or evaluate the chances that an impulsive teen will take a permanent action to solve a temporary problem.

I do not think that state law makers should EVER decide a standard of practice for medical care. I think Medical Boards and Medical Associations and scientific reviews should be the ones to hammer these issues out. Members of the medical profession are held to a standard of ethical practice that law makers are not. They are guided by the principles of medical practice and scientific foundations. Politicians are not bound by such standards. The guiding principles and priorities are clearly very very different.

One of the principles guiding physicians — that is legally mandated — is a duty to protect all patients from emminent risks to life. If I or your physician knows that someone wants to kill himself and has access to a gun, we can lose our license to practice, if we do not take steps to protect that person. It seems that Florida has set their physicians between a rock and a hard place.

It leaves me to wonder, what is so much more important than to be allowed to ask a question? Do we really collectively believe that it is that important not to talk about preventing violence?

Positive Emotion: Peaceful Families Have Fun for Life

Peacefulfamilies — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 17:18:31 +0000

Here is a local opportunity for those of you in the Boston Metro Area from a member of our group. It fits our topic very well because one of the first line interventions for feeling blue or anxious is to have FUN!

This is a come as you are event. Donations are as able and willing so come with your family!

FABULOUS, FREE, FAMILY MUSIC FESTIVAL!

INVITE YOUR FRIENDS & NEIGHBORS!

(for kids ages 0-5 and their families)

Songs, crafts, dancing, ice cream and fun!

SATURDAY, JUNE 18th

3-5 PM

ARTHUR D. HEALEY SCHOOL

5 MEACHAM ST., SOMERVILLE

Free Ice Cream from J.P. Licks!

Check out the lineup:
Jeremy Lyons: http://deltabilly.com/deltasilly/about/
Mariana Iranzi: http://marianairanzi.com/
Grooversity: http://grooversity.com/fr_intro.cfm

Sponsored by Somerville Family and Community Connections

Parent Advisory Council

Donations Welcome!

(Suggested Donation $10 per family)

Peaceful Families Teach Problem Solving Skills

Peacefulfamilies — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 01:58:43 +0000

Hi, thank you for letting my have a little vacation to get some needed work done! I’ve missed sharing with you but had to get some other writing finished! It is done and I will add something at least once a week again.

I’ve been asked when children will learn to talk about their problems and resolve conflict? It turns out pretty darn early. It also turns out that systematic practice thinking about conflict helps kids solve lots of problems and adjust better in life.

Psychology has been involved in trying to reduce children’s risk for violence for a long time. Some of the efforts have paid off but the findings from researchers don’t seem to stay in our day to day practices. We need reminders and reviews and support practicing. I know you know this because you are checking back to these pages every few days to learn something else about improving your child your home, your community.

In the 1980s Myrna Shure and George Spivak developed and tested and intervention to teach preschool children how to think about problems with other people. The impact of their program is pretty impressive. You can read a really short summary, http://www.apa.org/research/action/solve.aspx.

Turns out that there is a website with a lot of the information about the program. It has columns by Dr. Shure with her opinion about current topics. Best of all there is a book and a workbook for teaching you preschooler these key life skills. Check it out: Raising a Thinking Child. and Raising a Thinking Child Workbook.

Here is the thing: Children do not learn by lecture. No one does. I say this as a former college professor. Learning comes from observing others. It comes from practicing. It comes from lots of experience with the topic. That means that children will learn how to solve problems with other people from you leading them in solving problems with you. Solve the problem for both of you and teach carefully for life!

Think of the last confrontation you had with your child. What was the problem? Was the problem that he/she wouldn’t do what you wanted? Was the problem that he/she couldn’t have what he/she wanted? Or, was the problem between you? For example, was the problem that you had a different priority from your child? Was the problem that you had more information than your child so they were making a decision without all the information? Was the problem that you had no idea what your child wanted? Give it some thought.